Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
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one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.