That’s fair
You Might Also Like
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun