It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
You Might Also Like
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk