What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
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My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Cheer up.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
A great tip. #CakeRex
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
OH. COME. ON.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.