The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
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Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!