HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
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[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.