Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
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Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
(more comics:
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.