how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
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My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Me irl
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.