Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
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6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
crazy
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.