I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
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I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.