12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
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3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
What is going on? 😅
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
how to market bottled water to dads
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.