Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
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Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.