911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
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Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Oh no
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”