bro what is going on at twitter
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I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports