ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
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SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.