WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
You Might Also Like
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…