[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
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Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
I might carry a baby with one hand.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Banking tips
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing