dutch is not a serious language
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My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
me
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
My five year plan is a meteorite
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby