I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
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Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
What the hell is going on?
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.