Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
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*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
No Google it does not
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?