Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
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With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
This is a whole mood;
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.