This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
You Might Also Like
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
The real reason evolution started..😂
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.