Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
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My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
He wanted to make sure😂
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
being a writer on Twitter:
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello