WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
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1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways