My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
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No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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.
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I still have Pringles?
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards