Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
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3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
A double negative is a big no-no.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you