You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
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You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
my retirement plan is braless
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Based Erika
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.