Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
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Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
I’m sure it’s fine.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.