Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
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Oh yeh? Explain this then
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
Never forget.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Des Moines Police having a normal one
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.