I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
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Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Whoa 😂
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms