oh my god
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Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.