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Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
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I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.