The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
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ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
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