keep reaching for the stars, kid:
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I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Delightful if true: booby trap.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”