ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
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Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
sistine chapel
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy