BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
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HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
This made me smile…
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.