I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
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I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.