My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
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First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
What do you hear?
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.