I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
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Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
#Caturday
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*