Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
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The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.