If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
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[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!