I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
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Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Me in tagged photos
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah