*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
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Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?