“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
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Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
How all things should be taught/explained.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
why I oughta
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.