[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
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The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.