rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
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I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal