Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
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At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*