A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
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A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though