Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
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#DesignFail
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
What is going on? 😅
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.