I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
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AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
Boom, boom, ching!
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy